Number 21

So, number 21 - buy something from five different stores I didn't previously know existed - was completed in part today! My roommate and I went out for a walk last night and happened across this little consignment store right next to our building, and spied all these knock-off designer purses and stuff... so we made a point to head there before work today, and it's the cutest place! It's second-hand clothes from fashionable stores... like Le Chateau, Costa Blanca... like, the kind of stores you find in the mall.

In other words, it's actually a nice selection of clothing! So I bought myself a new shirt for work (which, oddly enough, I was just looking for!) as well as a little black shrug jacket to wear over all the wife beaters I bought in San Fran.

The store's called "The Slip", just in case you're wondering. It's a dangerous store to live right next door to, let me say.

Anyway... level up dance! Number 21, part one of five: COMPLETE. =)

Number 13.

I realise I tend to blog in spurts - not at all for a few day, then a bunch in one night, then not at all for a few days... yeah. I've decided I'm actually going to take the time to write about each "happy thing" that I re-experience before I cross it out.

This link will take you to my list-in-progress.

6 - the smell of rain:
Getting off the plane in Bellingham after flying out of San Francisco... well, it was heartbreaking. Neither of us were ready to be back, at all... but stepping off the plane, into the grey day and the rain... I inhaled, and for a minute was happy to be back. Rain smells different up here... in San Francisco, it didn't smell like rain does in Seattle, or Vancouver - home. So despite the heartbreak and the heaviness of the silence between us that said so much... the smell of rain comforted me. It welcomed me back.

19 - lowercase letters and proper punctuation:
Obviously I've been wavering between that and proper capitalisation throughout this blog. I just like how it looks, especially when it comes to lists or surveys. Proper punctuation is ALWAYS a must.

20 - the feeling of wheels leaving the ground at liftoff.
Jess was so nervous when we were flying down... but I couldn't wait for the moment. My whole body tenses and I lift up from the seat a little, as if I'm trying to lift the plane with my body... and the tension peaks just as they lift off... that moment when you don't know if you're airborne or if you'll fall back to the earth. And then we're in flight, and the tension dissolves and I am so, utterly at peace.

21 - the feeling in your stomach when you drive over a hill, and your stomach drops:
Just last night, heading to the store at midnight, we sped over a hill... and despite the fact that my heart was aching, for a moment a grin broke over my face, and I wanted to laugh like a child and yell "wheeeeeee..."

28 - flirting with someone who flirts back:
... he put his arm around me as we walked to the store, because I wasn't wearing a jacket and it was nighttime, and I laughed and said that I knew he'd keep me warm, so why bother with the jacket? And then he leant towards me as we stood in front of the ice cream cooler and kissing him just seemed like the natural thing to do, so I did. It was so... soft, and quick, and casual, and we left and he put his arm around me, and I had no idea where the night would take us and I don't think I was even thinking about it. The whole thing seems surreal in hindsight. But it was good.

31 - the climactic crescendo in a peace of music:
I'm listening to this video, and the moment right before it leads into Viva la Vida is magical.

38 - European accents:
British. He was British. Our boys were British... and god... the way he said "little". Li'l. Our kid. Li'l bruvver. Fuck, he said something about taking advantage of me in my "li'l black skirt", and I was too tired to realise what he was saying at the time, but if I had been coherent, I swear to god that would have done it for me.
"Oh, this skirt? The one I'm currently removing? Right."

57 - lists:
Rather obvious, I think

59 - friends whom you can call at two in the morning without hesitation and know that they won't mind:
Like the friend who called me in tears at one am just to say she missed him... I could call her any hour of the day, and she'd be there. <3<3<3


... and I'm going to leave the last few for now, because I am so done for the night.

Number 8 - complete.

I've changed a few of my goals... mostly the ones that are like "do this goal x number of times". I've decided to make simple, one-time goals, so that I can do them and feel accomplished - doing something and then not being able to cross it off my list is defeating.

I also... the goal I have about getting over him... to be honest, I think it's done. I feel like I should celebrate, but it's not so much a sense of overwhelming relief but more a calm, quiet... indifference. Yes, it feels so, so amazing to finally not miss him... to not think about him... to not... see his name and do flip-flops. But it's not triumphant, like I thought it might be. It just... is.

In fact, no. I'm going to do it - I'm going to cross it off. I've been saying since I got back from San Francisco that it's finally done, and now, I'm going to make it permanent.

I'm over him.

I am finally, finally over him.

I'm attaching a photo to this post... because when I drew it in the sand, I still meant it. Now, looking at this photo... I don't, anymore. Oh, I will always care - but the love that I felt for him before... it's gone.

It's finally, finally gone.





ps... I just realised that crossing off number 8 is actually the first full goal I've completed. The *first*. I thought it would be one of the last.

Life surprises us sometimes. =)

Number 12, continued.

Adding to my list of 500 things that make me happy...

101. receiving notifications on Facebook.
102. Argentine tango.
103. grinding up against a cute man in a club.
104. screaming a song so loud with a group of people that your voices all meld together.
105. thunder so loud you can feel it in your chest.
106. playing music so loud on your headphones that it sounds like it's coming from inside of your head.
107. bread fresh out of the oven.
108. cheesecake.
109. when my baby sister says "hello" on the phone.
110. tobogganing.

111. snow on evergreen trees.
112. coming inside and defrosting after being out in the snow.
113. tea with my mom late at night or incredibly early in the morning.
114. the feeling of freshly shaved legs against silk or soft sheets.
115. laughing at Celenia's ESL moments.
116. long hand-written messages inside cards.
117. freckles.
118. lying in bed all day with someone and just... talking.
119. kisses.
120. sex.

121. holding hands.
122. when someone strokes my skin.
123. playing piano.
124. when someone makes eye contact with me and sincerely smiles.
125. when someone draws on my back.
126. when someone brushes hair out of my eyes.
127. when someone pats my head affectionately.
128. when someone plays with my hair.
129. staying in a bookstore reading on the floor until you forget where you are.
130. a gooooood stretch after a nap.

---

Numbers 67, 8, 33, 62, 90, and 92 - aka, I was a busy girl in San Fran.

well, it's been a little over two weeks, and I've accomplished the following:

67 - part one of ten. I visited (and am currently blogging from) San Francisco!

it's been such an amazing, surreal trip... I met amazing, funny, witty people, saw Alcatraz, saw the bridge, and met a boy I will never forget - the second boy I have ever been with in my life. my first one-night stand, which turned into a three-day affair, which then left me here, alone in bed and aching just a little bit. he has the most amazing freckles... and these blue eyes... and I fell for him. in three days, I fell for him. and then he stopped showing any interest in interacting with me, and tomorrow I'm flying home, and it all ends.

such is life, right?

I should never, ever have one night stands, ever again in my life. I get attached. I get emotional. sigh.

8 - is a work in progress. this trip, this boy, helped - significantly. I no longer believe there will be a day, a moment, when everything changes and I no longer miss him, or feel for him, or love him. but I think I'm getting to that point where I don't ache to be with him anymore. I want something more, something different.

I want those freckles in my life, if we're going to be honest. but that's okay. we don't always get what we want - just what we need. and I needed this boy in my life, even if just for a few nights. I needed to meet him. I needed to be held. I still need to be held, but... again. we get what we get.

33 - I read a new book for April (Twilight), and two new books for May so far - New Moon, and Eat, Pray, Love. I'm far more willing to pronounce the latter. I also started French Women Don't Get Fat, and would love to finish that at some point in the near future... like, when I camp out in Chapters because I can't bear to be alone in my bed. right.

62 - I prayed in the Church of St. Peter and Paul in San Fran, but... I'm not counting it, cos I never heard of it before getting here.

90 - part one of 101 happened before I left. I complimented a woman on her hair complimenting her skin tone beautifully.

92 - doesn't really count, either. I mean... I don't know. a kiss that never progresses past a kiss, that is spontaneous and strange and takes place with someone whom I know nothing about. I know stuff about Andy. more than I want to. like the way he brushes my hair out of my eyes, and how much he loves his mom, and how he got the scar on his back...

... yeah. he's really all that's on my mind. damn it all to hell. damn it all.

one day, I will stop wanting people who don't want me. it hurts so, so much.

Number 12 - 500 things that make me happy.

Number twelve of my 101 things is to make a list of 500 things that make me happy... so here we go! I'll add them as I go, and cross them off as I "re-experience them".

---

500 things that make me happy (besides money and material objects):

1. cityscapes.
2. sunsets.
3. silhouettes.
4. being awake to see the sun rise.
5. standing outside in a downpour of rain.
6. the smell of rain.
7. the sound of cars driving in the rain.
8. city lights at night.
9. black and white photography.
10. candid portraits.

11. cats purring beside me as I fall asleep.
12. green eyes.
13. the sound of hymns in a cathedral.
14. taking a shower with the lights off.
15. falling asleep in the car on a late night, long drive home.
16. bed sheets and towels fresh from the dryer.
17. when someone puts a blanket over you right as you're falling asleep on the couch.
18. waking up at three a.m. and realising you still have hours left to sleep.
19. lowercase letters and proper punctuation.
20. putting chips in sandwiches.

21. the feeling of the wheels leaving the ground when a plane first takes flight.
22. the feeling in your stomach when you drive quickly over a hill or right when a roller coaster starts its plunge.
23. the ache in your muscles the morning after doing something active... the good kind of ache.
24. the sound of rain when you're inside a tent.
25. falling asleep in the sun.
26. building forts out of blankets and pillows and brooms (to hold the blanket up, obviously).
27. unexpected compliments, especially from people you don't know.
28. flirting with someone who flirts back.
29. love. love. love. love. love.
30. laughing so hard your stomach hurts and you think you might pee.

31. the climactic crescendo in a powerful piece of music.
32. pirates. come on. they're pirates.
33. slow dancing in unromantic places... that feel romantic anyway, because it's you and it's them and you're dancing.
34. the smell of freshly but grass in the summer.
35. turning the cold water up at the end of your hot shower.
36. laser tag.
37. watching men play pool. but only when they play it well. and wear jeans. and push their sleeves up and concentrate.
38. European accents.
39. cowboy boots. and hats.
40. the smell of trees and moss and wet, green air.

41. street photography.
42. the smell of wood burning in the autumn.
43. the first frost of the year.
44. Christmas carols.
45. Starbucks during Christmas time.
46. candlelit mass.
47. candlelit baths with music in the background.
48. nights when it's warm enough to walk around after dark without a coat.
49. the sound and smell of the ocean at night.
50. good coffee pairings. and good wine pairings.

51. right after every single article of clothing has been washed, dried, and put away.
52. your bedroom right after a good, deep cleaning and organising.
53. leaving the store spotless and prepped at night. (Starbucks made it on my list not once, or twice, but three times.)
54. Starbucks culture amongst people who actually know it, appreciate it, and live it to its full capacity. (four times.)
55. regular customers/people you interact with on a minor scale on a day-to-day basis who make your day when everything else can go to hell.
56. romanian pop music.
57. lists of things. anything, really. grocery lists. playlists. lists of goals. lists of things to do.
58. concession stands at baseball games. spits, freezies, chips, pop, and penny candies.
59. friends whom you can call at two in the morning without hesitation and know that they won't mind.
60. finger painting and clapping games and reliving one's childhood.

61. blasting songs and cranking up the bass in the car with the windows rolled down.
62. long stretches of deserted roads through the country.
63. mountains on the horizon.
64. pretending to be all gangsta an' shit.
65. men in all black suits. black shirt, black tie, black everything. especially if they're blond. and have russian accents.
66. 24 and/or tv shows/movies with espionage/politics/action/deviosness/etc.
67. the satisfaction of making personal ringtones for every caller on your contact list.
68. the satisfaction of organising every song in your iTunes, including which album they're from and finding the correct cover art for every album.
69. cramming people into photo booths at the mall.
70. heart-shaped lockets with pictures inside.

71. acoustic guitar.
72. piano - just piano and a voice singing along.
73. climbing into bed with any of my best friends and just snuggling.
74. men who smell nice.
75. men with a five o'clock shadow/a bit of scruff, especially if they rub it against my neck.
76. animals who want to be wherever you are - at the foot of your bed, napping beside the bathtub while you're bathing, waiting at the door for you to get home, etc.
77. foot massages. and back massages. and scalp, and face, and anywhere massages.
78. soaking your feet in warm water after a long day.
79. curling up with a cup of tea and a blanket when it's miserable outside.
80. the smell of coffee in the morning.

81. songs that take you back.
82. that feeling you get when you're first falling in love, and you know it, and you're not sure if you want to celebrate or flee or both and you just cry and whisper it to yourself out loud and part of you, though scared as hell, comes alive.
83. the smell of cinnamon and vanilla.
84. love letters.
85. post-it notes.
86. meaningful graffiti.
87. poems with amazing closing lines.
88. the smell of horses.
89. and the smell of farms - reminds me of home.
90. late night walks in small towns.

91. laying down in the middle of the road and looking at the stars.
92. when your bed is so comfortable in the morning that you don't want to move because you're literally in physical bliss.
93. coming home to the smell of someone cooking you dinner.
94. classic board games.
95. finally beating a really hard video game level. feelings of self-worth soar.
96. flipping your pillow over in the middle of the night.
97. the silence of snow falling.
98. a single track of footprints through the snow.
99. the heaviness of the air right before a storm.
100. holding hands with mittens on. always. always.

---

ADDED: 12/05/09

101. receiving notifications on Facebook.
102. Argentine tango.
103. grinding up against a cute man in a club.
104. screaming a song so loud with a group of people that your voices all meld together.
105. thunder so loud you can feel it in your chest.
106. playing music so loud on your headphones that it sounds like it's coming from inside of your head.
107. bread fresh out of the oven.
108. cheesecake.
109. when my baby sister says "hello" on the phone.
110. tobogganing.

111. snow on evergreen trees.
112. coming inside and defrosting after being out in the snow.
113. tea with my mom late at night or incredibly early in the morning.
114. the feeling of freshly shaved legs against silk or soft sheets.
115. laughing at Celenia's ESL moments.
116. long hand-written messages inside cards.
117. freckles.
118. lying in bed all day with someone and just... talking.
119. kisses.
120. sex.

121. holding hands.
122. when someone strokes my skin.
123. playing piano.
124. when someone makes eye contact with me and sincerely smiles.
125. when someone draws on my back.
126. when someone brushes hair out of my eyes.
127. when someone pats my head affectionately.
128. when someone plays with my hair.
129. staying in a bookstore reading on the floor until you forget where you are.
130. a gooooood stretch after a nap.